Sing Me A Lullaby

the PaRadoxiCaL thing called LoVe

isn't it weird how hate turns to love? how enemies turn to frenz? how anger turns to forgiveness and then to tenderness? so weird, so complex that it seems unexplainable. this phenomenon just grips the heart, and no words seem to be able to aptly describe what exactly this is.

at times, u feel thatt your partner is truly the one for u, the one that u wanna be with your whole life, and then the next minute, he's the worst being on Earth for neglecting your needs. but at the same time, u still love this guy. the one who made u cry and also made u laugh (till u cry), the one who dried your tears yet planted them on u again, the one whom u found comfort in and he in u... ...

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~*

generally speaking, love seems like an alien language. hard to grasp the true meaning, yet easy to believe. i'm still looking for love, or rather waiting for love to find me. but as SF said, the right guys just don't seem to come, so should we girls just go out there to grab them? heh.. if we have the guts, why not? *curl into a ball* but nah, we're shy too.. hard to come outta our shell and just throw ourselves in the storm and get ready to be pelted by the hard drops of water raining down.. *take a step back* perhaps we'll just hide in the shadows and when we're ready, we need no coaxing, just tt certainty of a bag-full of feelings to be presented in the open... ...

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 1:36 AMY

Officially... frenZ

finally spoke to him abt everything tt has been happening, or perhaps rather the lack of it. was kinda hard for me just to call him and speak to him or even broach the topic. but yup, can't keep thinking of it yet doing nothing about it which will make me feel even worse..

i guess i feel better now. no waiting, no expecting, no hoping. i cant really decipher my feelings though, but due to being let down time and again, my expectations dwindled and so did my feelings which started to diminish.. oh well, told him tt if ever he wants to rekindle anything, or when he is finally sure of what he wants, then things shall hafta start from zero. initially, he was reluctant to consider us being frenz as he believed that there'd be even less chances that we could work things out.. but the thing is that i don't even see where we are heading to now.. i don't feel like i'm being courted, i'm feeling sad and frustrated, and i'm feeling like i'm being taken granted for (which is like the worse feeling in the world..) jeez..

after more talking (from me) and many quiet moments to let him think through stuff, he apologized for making me feel miserable.. could feel his pain but i couldn't back down, for it was affecting me too much.. he also needed assurance that if we were frenz we could still continue to go out, and of course i ain't ruling tt out since we ain't enemies in the first place.. he also said that as he needed time to see when he was sure about starting a r/s, he was kinda selfish by making me wait. the issue here is neither about being selfish nor abt being in a r/s, cos i don't mind waiting and i don't wanna rush into things.. the main point is tt while i'm waiting, it's tiring and frustrating and depressing and disappointing.. if i were happy even while waiting, i wouldn't mind but it's not the case at all.. jeez.. but boy, did it still hurt when i told him how sad he had made me feel for the past mth since his return.. the tears and the quivering of my voice, gave the unmistakable indication of what i feel/felt for him..

well, guess things are better this way. it already is, cos we're msgin each other in a light-hearted tone =] no expectations, no strings attached.. shall just see what time will bring me..

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 10:43 PMY

PasSion for ClimBing

wow... has been a very xiong week in relation to climbing... push-ups, dips, body tension (3 diff kinds), pyramid pull-ups, leg resistance, system training, endurance, routes, flash comp... whew! i'm getting stronger (hopefully)! ooh... but the muscle aches hurt. but tt also shows tt i've worked out! hehe... can feel that i'm improving, just lacking strength in comparison to the rest... haiz *shakes head* wanna buck up, but my fingers are kinda busted up, for now... bit swollen, but don't worry peeps, it's on the road to recovery! =p

i guess climbers are one of the world's most stubborn people? (haha, i aint sure for other competitive sports since this is the only one i've been). no matter how much u tell them to rest their injuries, take a break for awhile, they just won't listen. they'll still appear in the gym giving the excuse that they are just there to look at tiles and gain inspiration. well, give them perhaps less than 15 min, they'll be up on the wall in no time trying what the others are doing (tt includes me!) *shrugs shoulders* guess it's just our natural instinct to do so? haha...

okok, *hands up* it ain't tt i don't wanna listen to all my dear frenz abt how concerned they are for my well-being, but just tt i kinda know my limits and i don't wanna fall back too far off, ye? i still love ya'll! =] alrightz, here's a pic i found tt i think shows how wonderful and powerful climbing is. the scenery u take in when u're up there is breathtaking, but what makes the completion of the route even sweeter is that u know the hard training u've put in has all come into good use and has taken u far in the continuous growing process of climbing.

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 5:35 PMY

Tough tough Time

traumatic... depressing... troubling... affection... fond... like... love...
a mesh of concoction of words that all sound and mean so different yet disturbingly seem so similar to me at this point in time... an irony...

"what happened to plain and simple love? why does it seem so complex now? how did things somersault to the current situation? where did we make a wrong turn or a right one?"

i wish i knew the answers to all these questions, but the truth is, i don't. i have completely no idea. don't hafta tell me to follow my heart, for my mind messes and interferes constantly with my heart. as such, making a decision is hard, but the emotional torture takes over and i'm forced to come up with one. guess u guys should know by now that my heart is usually the one that overrules my mind. well, there may be exceptions...

i'm too bloody soft-hearted for my own good. ppl take advantage of me in this way. i cant seem to find a way to protect myself like this. defensive barriers may be up, but immediately crumble when contact is made. easy? yes. stupid? i'm not. my heart may be weak, even perhaps easily to be deceived, but my mind is strong and that is when i'm completely sure about what i've decided. in the meantime, i can only give myself and themselves time. there aint nothing i wanna force upon them. time is needed, and i hope it is given... ...

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 12:17 AMY

DaDDy's Birthday!

less my bro... boohoo~ but he'll be back next week! woohoo~! a pic of us in the comfort of our cozy house and mummy's wonderful yummy swissroll specially baked for a great dad!

JC gathering!

Ahhhhh... a gathering of ppl gone missing during the past sem... sam & liyan are back! finally see sam in her tanned look, sun-kissed skin! see liyan's pretty curled hair and she gave each of us a silk handkerchief and a notebook. sWeeTz! (we were all discussing how we could use the handkerchief w/o dirtying it cos it's sooo nice! final conclusion, use it to dry our wet hands... but, by the time we get it out of wherever it's in, our hands would have dried by then! haha.... duh!)but onglai's going China... nonetheless, a full turnout! yippee~ had great fun catching up with the lastest gossip and news on each other's lives. always good to hear how each of us are doing and progressing with time. Girls' Night Out is engaging and egg-citing filled with lotsa laughter! wHeeeE~ can't wait for the next one!

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 11:43 PMY

DeaRest CouzZie, Kinny

jeez... i MISS u too! he flew back to the big apple in NYC for more fun-filled adventures *envious* but glad he'll be back in May! WoOHooO~! this guy had his 10days back in Sg packed to the brim, hardly had time for moi... boohoo... but as always, your presence brightens me up and thx for always lending a listening ear! u gotta spare more time for me yeah? hehe, enjoy yourself and i look forward to your grand return! =]

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 11:07 PMY

MiSs My Bro!

my little bro is undergoing change from a boy to a man! gee, cant believe he's grown so old already yet i still treat him like a little boy, being protective of him etc. i MISS him! heh, sent him off to Pulau Tekong, saw what an army bunk looks like, the food he eats, some of the activities... i hope he gets best recruit! all the way my dear bro!

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 1:17 AMY

ConfuSion and FrustraTion

what is your take on this picture(ignoring the words)? the girl walking away from the guy, or the guy following the girl?

i'm scared of getting hurt. so i wanna turn away before he does... ... it may seem like i was the one who had my doubts first, but unknowingly, he was 'unsure of getting into a r/s now' (in his exact words). it's true, i'm crushed yet there's some slight relief... weird huh? i'm sure he's a nice guy, but perhaps our personalities just don't match each other's? perhaps if we were to get together, there'd be disagreements and we won't be happy? perhaps it's just not meant to be?

ever since sat., no phone calls just 4 msgs sent over 3 days. am i asking too much? doesn't sound like he's serious or sincere rite? seriously, it feels like he's not even back in Sg! i've even tried assuming so cos it's easier this way to lower my expectations of his actions. finally, when i decide to run away from him on tues (after crying yet again), he calls, he msn-msg me, he repeatedly calls but to no avail. i'm too afraid to answer, knowing tt my seemingly hard exterior will just crumble after awhile > my weakness of being too soft-hearted.. sigh.. so, i decided to msg him a day later and told him to make sure of what he wants before finding me.. he hasn't replied. guess tt shows his uncertainty huh? aint a prob though, i've got my own thoughts to sort out... ...

there's this other guy who has been penetrating my mind ever so often just only very recently... everything was unintended yet at the same time, everything was so natural... in fact, too natural to be ignored... both of us are at crossroads.. things are not as easy as it seems.. a very tricky situation... ... trust me.

was talking to xin yst and we both can't come up with anything. it's damn frustrating and i'm sooo confused tt i'm saying 'could u pls kill me?!' poofft... yeah, i need help here, but the only person who can decide is the only obvious candidate. tt would be me. jeez... help me anyway!

Y Lulled to Sleep @ 12:05 AMY

He's Back

this is weird... ok wait ppl, i know tt i'm kinda like supposed to be jumping for joy and welcoming him home with open arms, but... ok, yes, indeed i'm happy but i'm just confused and frustrated at the same time too...

he lied to me tt he was gonna return on 3rd Jan, but in actual fact, he had already touched down on 31st Dec! gave me 2 missed calls on separate occasions but on a private number so i didnt know who it was. finally, on 2nd Jan morn i picked up his call. thought why'd he call so early (10am Sg time but 4am Denmark time), then he said 'early? ' something was amiss so i anxiously asked his whereabouts and tt he reali was in Sg! hehe... pleasant surprise eh? of course, having waited for 5 mths i was indeed happy. talked to him for awhile. but up till now, haven't heard from him alr. he knew i was sick, but he didnt msg at all. didnt call at night either. hmm... i really dunno if i'm expecting too much or tt it's ok...?

i guess my unhappiness arises from expectations. it's either do or die. gets u really ecstatic or really dejected. from my conversation w liying n san in KL, i got to know tt perhaps i'm really dependent on my other half and tt i expect alot fr him, unlike liying. well, i really wanna change tt aspect, be more independent. lower expectations. greater freedom. more personal time. we'll see how things go. shall leave the first move to him though and then later, let nature take its course.